


sunshine after the rain

by jagseun



Category: GOT7, K-pop
Genre: 2Jae, Angst, But also, Humor, M/M, Road Trips, Smut, Soft!Jaebum, Terminal Illnesses, death mention, switch!jaebum, switch!youngjae, the only jaebum that matters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-15
Updated: 2017-05-15
Packaged: 2018-11-01 01:43:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10911765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jagseun/pseuds/jagseun
Summary: Youngjae's days are numbered, but Jaebum wants to make sure he enjoys every moment he has left.





	sunshine after the rain

**Author's Note:**

> thanks @ monica & dani for helping proofread this. :3  
>   
> switches between youngjae and jaebum's pov every section.  
>   
> tw; death mention

Youngjae didn’t want anyone’s pity.

He had been discharged from the hospital earlier that morning, the doctors plastering fake smiles on their faces as they reminded him there was nothing they could do.  They told him he should go out and live his life to the fullest while he still had the chance.

He had known for a very long time that the situation was hopeless and he had accepted his fate.  His sister had cried, his brother was in shock, but Youngjae sat there motionless.  He couldn’t feel anything anymore- he didn’t want to feel anything anymore.

“Choi Youngjae, this is a surprise, to say the least.”  Jaebum sat down across from him at the coffee shop he told him to meet at.

They had told him to tell everyone, no matter how hard it was.  It would be worse to disappear out of the blue, luckily for Youngjae that list didn’t have many names on it.  In fact, apart from his family, Jaebum was his only friend, and he could hardly call him that.

They were both music majors, Jaebum two years ahead of him.  Jaebum was Youngjae’s mentor, assigned to get him acquainted with the campus and courses.  Jaebum was a nice guy, but it didn’t go much farther than that.  Youngjae dropped out of school at the end of the first year to stay full-time in the hospital but Jaebum kept texting him.  He had no idea why he cared so much.

Youngjae told him not to visit, that he was fine.  The texts kept coming but Youngjae never told him how sick he was, feigning a fake friendship for almost two years.  He was surprised Jaebum cared enough to even meet with him that day. If the texts stopped coming there was no way for Jaebum to find out what happened.

“I’m going to be straight with you- my time here is limited.”  Youngjae said, blowing on his latte to cool it down.

“Do you need to go somewhere?  I’m free all afternoon, I thought we could hang out, it’s been so long.”  Jaebum was laughing.  He had always been like this with him, many of his classmates said he was intimidating and to watch out for him but Youngjae never saw it.  When they were together he was always in a good mood.  Maybe that was all an act to make Youngjae feel less frightened as a new student.  It didn’t matter at this point.

“That’s not what I meant.”  The waitress took this moment to bring over Jaebum’s Americano, as he looked at Youngjae confused.

“What did you mean then?”

“The doctors told me this morning that my condition isn’t going to get any better, there’s nothing they can do.”  Youngjae tried to take a sip of his latte but ended up burning his tongue.

“Wait, what?  What do you mean they can’t do anything?”  Jaebum looked at him bewildered.

“One month.”

“One month?”

“They discharged me this morning, told me I only had a month left to live. I wanted to let you know.  It’s the right thing to do.”  Youngjae’s coffee was finally cool enough to drink, so he sipped it nonchalantly.

“What are you talking about, one month left to live?  You can’t be serious, if this is some sick joke Youngjae I swear to God-“

“It’s not a joke, I know I used to be a silly person but this isn’t something I could joke about.”  He faltered a bit saying those words; he missed who he used to be.  Back in high school when people actually liked him, always funny and full of energy, he couldn’t put up that façade anymore.  He would only be lying to himself.

“How can you say that like it means nothing to you?”  Youngjae could already sense the chorus of ‘I’m so sorry’ and ‘this can’t be’.  The pity fest he didn’t want.

“They only confirmed what I already knew.  It wasn’t a surprise, I’m prepared for this.”

“Prepared to die?”

“Well… no.  Nobody is prepared to die, but I’ve accepted my fate.  This is how it was meant to be, it’s not like I’ve accomplished anything so great that the Earth needs me here.  I’m just another life that hasn’t made an impact on the world and never will.”  He almost felt sad about the whole situation- almost.

“Youngjae… you weren’t always like this.”  He knew that. He’s heard it before, he was tired.

“That’s all I wanted to say, I’ll leave now.  You don’t need to text me anymore.”  The tension in the air was suffocating and Youngjae needed fresh air.

“Choi Youngjae don’t you dare run away.”  This was the first time he’d ever seen Jaebum look so scary, scary enough that any plans of leaving were tossed out the window.  His body automatically moved back into his seat.

“Is there anything else you needed?”  He wanted to run so badly but Jaebum’s glare kept him in place.

“Is that all our friendship meant to you?  You still have a month left, we can hang out or something, or did you have plans?”

“Kart Rider.”

“What?”

“It’s a game. I was thinking if I invested all my savings and a full month into the game maybe I could hit rank number one.  It’s a stretch but it would be a good distraction for this last month.”  He heard Jaebum sigh and he knew he wasn’t going to get away with that answer.

“You can’t be serious, don’t you want to do something, I don’t know, exciting?  Don’t you have a bucket list or something; people don’t spend the last days of their lives playing video games.”

“That’s what my sister told me too, but honestly, there’s nothing I really want to do.  It’s been a decent life.  Most people want to go skydiving or something dangerous but even if I’m going to die anyways, I don’t have the heart for those kinds of things.”

“It doesn’t have to be dangerous. It can be something like seeing your favourite artist, or travelling to a different country.”

“I said I have some savings, not millions.”

Jaebum was starting to get frustrated and Youngjae hated it.  He couldn’t handle people getting angry because of him.  “You have to do something, I can’t let you stay cooped up when they discharged you to have fun.”

“I’m sorry, I’m a boring person, being adventurous has never been my thing.”

“Let’s go on an adventure, I’ll take you.”

“What?  I just told you-“

“Not out of country or anything, more like, a road trip?  It would be spontaneous, no set destination, discovering whatever along the way.”  It was Youngjae’s turn to be shocked.

“I don’t have a car.”

“We’ll use my car.”

“I don’t drive.”

“I’ll drive.”

“I get car sick.”

“We’ll keep the windows open, Youngjae _please.”_

“Why do you even want to do this? Why do you even care, why have you cared all these years?  I don’t need anyone.”

“Everyone needs someone, and I’ve known since the moment I met you that is truer for you more than anyone else.  I care about you, and I can’t handle living knowing that I’ll never be able to see you smile again.”

Youngjae was embarrassed, to say the least.  This whole time he thought Jaebum checked up on him out of duty because he knew he didn’t have any other friends.  He never imagined he actually _cared._ “Let’s say I agreed we would drive… to nowhere?”

“That’s the fun in road trips; we go where the road takes us, staying in random hotels and motels across the place, discovering things.  It’s fun; I mean I’ve never done it myself, but the concept seems fun.”

“And you want to lug along some dying kid with you on your adventure?”

“Don’t refer to yourself like that; I think you’d enjoy it.  I need a break from work anyways, would your family be okay with you being gone for… this last month?  I wouldn’t want to impede.”

They would be sad, Youngjae thought, but he didn’t want to worry them.  His parents were no longer alive, gone much too long ago, and his siblings cared too much.  They spent too many days by his bedside, telling him everything is going to fine.  They cried too many tears over him; he wanted them to stop worrying about him.  They had their own lives to live; if he could escape maybe it wouldn’t be so bad.  He wouldn’t feel so guilty.

“Alright, I’ll go.”

“What?”

“Road trip, sure I’ll go.”  Youngjae downed the rest of his latte in one gulp.  “Not like I have anything to lose.”

Youngjae didn’t think he’d go through with it.  The most spontaneous thing he’d ever done in his life was getting a dog, something most children do before the age of eight, but there was something in the back of his mind telling him to go.  To leave everyone alone, and to not have them bother with their poor dying family member.  It was freeing, knowing that he wouldn’t have to hear from them for the rest of his life.

* * *

 

Jaebum was unsure the moment Youngjae sat down in his car.  He carried only a small backpack, as Jaebum told him to only bring the essentials.  This was supposed to be a fun trip of discovering things as they went along, breaking out of their comfort zones.  Seemed like a success so far, Jaebum was already uncomfortable.

Soon they were both fastened in and Jaebum took off, blasting the radio and trying to put Youngjae in a good mood.

“What kind of music do you like?”  It was clear Jaebum hadn’t thought this out, even he looked a bit doubtful only ten minutes into driving.

“You know, it’s not too late to turn back.”  Jaebum was offended that Youngjae was still having doubts.

“Not a chance, we’re going on a road trip and I’m going to make sure this is fun.”  Jaebum smiled but Youngjae was still somber.

“I like ballads.”

“Ballads?  Aren’t those usually sad?”

“I like feeling sad.”  This was already not working.

“I don’t think ballads are road trip songs… do you like R&B?  I can play a lot of that for you.”  Jaebum suggested.  There was no way he was going to let the mood drop even lower with a ballad.

“I guess.”  Youngjae didn’t seem like he cared.  Jaebum blasted some of his favourites and tried to let the soulful beats sink into his bones and give him the confidence to make it through at least the first hour of this trip.

“So, do you have anything in mind that you’d like to do first?”  Jaebum spoke carefully.

“I thought we weren’t supposed to have a plan.”  Jaebum knew that, but from how it was going the most spontaneous thing they were going to be doing was stopping at a gas station.  He had to take charge and make Youngjae forget about his situation.

“Well, it’s not a plan _plan_ … just a suggestion?”  Youngjae stared at him for a moment before looking out the window instead of answering.  They were still near the heart of the city since they hadn’t even been driving for an hour yet, so there wasn’t anything exciting and different to see yet.  Then, he passed by someplace that was technically normal, but it gave him an idea.  “Do you want a haircut?”

“A… haircut?”  Youngjae ran a hand through his black hair.  “Is there something wrong with my hairstyle?”

“No!  It’s just that, if you ever wanted to change it up now’s your last chance.  Isn’t there anything you wanted to try?  A mohawk?  Extensions?”

“I’ve always wanted to dye my hair.”  Jaebum seemed to finally pique his interest.  “My sister always told me that I shouldn’t bleach my hair or else I’d go bald.  I don’t care now, so I could try it.”

“Ah, dye!  You could do something cool like blue, or pink, “Youngjae looked a little scared at those suggestions.  “Or whatever you want.  I can get my hair dyed a cool colour too, it’s been black for a long time now.”

“Hmm, alright.”  Youngjae agreed and Jaebum rejoiced as he turned the car around and headed towards the salon.

* * *

 

The bleach stung Youngjae’s scalp as he sat and waited for it to remove all the pigment from his hair.  He was flipping through a magazine, still unsure what colour he wanted to dye it.  Everything seemed so unlike himself, he could barely imagine what he would look like without black hair.

Jaebum was sitting in another part of the salon, getting the same treatment as him.  It was so obvious Jaebum was trying his best to put him in a good mood but it was still hard for Youngjae.  He only agreed to this hair dye thing to get himself out of the car again so he could breathe (even if that meant breathing in gross smelling toxic bleach fumes).  He felt suffocated trying to talk with Jaebum.

Jaebum was a friend but their relationship never felt like a friendship.  He had his friends in middle school who he would play and joke around with. They all abandoned him after he missed so much school staying at the hospital.  Jaebum never abandoned him.  He was a mentor and a guide to him; there was never the air of friendship between them that made jokes come easily despite how kindly Jaebum treated him.  It was weird trying to understand how to treat him when they were supposed to be hanging out like best friends.

“Youngjae, that’s enough processing for you.  We don’t want to damage all your hair.”  The salon worker came up behind him and said.  “Have you decided what colour you want?”

Youngjae was a moment away from telling her to go for rainbow or something and going wild for the rest of his days.  “I’m still not sure.”

She removed the foil from his hair, piece by piece.  He thought his hair would be white but he could tell she didn’t leave it in to process out all the colour.  Instead what was left was a soft blond, not too light and not too dark.  “I hear pink is trendy these days.”  She suggested, but Youngjae just stared at his hair in the mirror.

“This colour is nice; can I keep it like this?” His hair was still damp but even then, the colour looked nice.

“Oh, so more of a soft blond?  It suits you.” 

She washed his hair out again and blow dried it until it was soft and fluffy, laden with products he couldn’t afford.  She was right, he really liked the colour.  When she told him to step out of the chair he couldn’t stop running his hand through it.  No matter how much he messed it up it always fell back into place and looked good.  Why hadn’t he done this before?

Jaebum came out a bit later, immediately shocking Youngjae with his choices.  His soft black hair was replaced with wavy bright red locks.  He thought Jaebum only agreed to do this with him because he was interested, he didn’t think he was going to go all out.  Now his own hair looked bland in comparison.

“Wow, your hair!”  Youngjae tried to hold back his smile but he couldn’t.

“Are you… laughing at me?”  Jaebum asked after he broke out of his own trance staring at Youngjae.

“It kind of reminded me of dried chili peppers so that’s why I smiled!  I still think it looks good, you can pull off anything.”  Youngjae laughed for the first time in ages and Jaebum didn’t even look offended.  “I didn’t think you’d do something so dramatic.”

Jaebum joined in, almost too happy laughing at a joke made directly at him.  Youngjae didn’t think much of it.

“What about my hair?”  Youngjae asked, spinning around, proud of his new look.

Jaebum stared too long again.  “You look… angelic.”  Youngjae barely heard him.

“Like an angel?  Isn’t that kind of morbid, considering the situation?”  Youngjae was teasing again but Jaebum looked genuinely worried.

“What?  No!  I didn’t mean it like that.  I meant you looked good, really good actually.”  Youngjae laughed at the way he freaked out. 

“It’s okay, I was kidding,” Youngjae patted him on the shoulder to calm him down.  “I know I’ve been down in the dumps but I’m feeling better.  Is this hair empowerment?”

Jaebum smiled at him, seems like Youngjae’s jokes were funny. 

“I feel like I can do anything now, and I know what I want to do next!”

“Oh, you do?”

“It’s something else I’ve wanted to do for a while but my sister said no,” He grabbed Jaebum by the arm and pulled him to the salon window, pointing at the store across the street.  “I’ve always wanted a tattoo.”

“A tattoo?!”

“Yes, a tattoo!  I know I don’t seem like the type but I think it’d be cool to sport one for the next month at least. You have a lot of piercings, but no tattoos?”

“I don’t have a tattoo- “

“Great!  We can get one together, like with the hair!”  Youngjae was so excited, he knew exactly what he wanted to get and everything.

“Alright… sure.  Let’s get tattoos.”

* * *

 

Jaebum couldn’t look Youngjae in the eye as they drove towards the sunset, looking for someplace to stay the night.

Youngjae had looked so happy for the first time since they left and Jaebum was so happy seeing him happy that he couldn’t say _no._

He had even mentally prepared himself, gone over possible design options in his head.  He got into the chair, stared at the huge needle, and he couldn’t do it.

“My new tattoo is really awesome,” Youngjae said for what seemed like the millionth time, shoving his arm towards him and showing off the black cursive letters spelling out _Ars Longa Vita Brevis._ “It would be even cooler if we both got one.”

Jaebum was five seconds away from dropping his head onto the car horn in defeat.  At least, after all this harassment Youngjae seemed back to normal, and he was happy for that.  “I know I’m sorry, I just…”

“Chickened out?  It happens to the best of us.  I’m surprised you don’t like needles, considering all those piercings you have.”

“Only four.”  Jaebum said, trying to justify himself even though it was too late.

“It’s alright, you could’ve told me you didn’t want one.  I wouldn’t have forced you.”  Youngjae looked back down at his own arm.  “I’m happy with my own, I could even get another.  My sister is going to get a kick out of them when she sees it.”

Jaebum turned the music louder and tried the bask in the fact Youngjae was smiling.  He missed Youngjae when he was like this.  He was always such a positive person, when he got assigned to mentor him he was the light in his life.  He was in a dark place and going to see Youngjae always brightened his day, even though their relationship was limited he couldn’t describe what Youngjae meant to him.  When Youngjae left, he had to stay in touch even though he had moved past most of the dark times.  Jaebum always kept a spot in his heart for him.  His feelings never reached Youngjae because he disappeared from his life too quickly.

They pulled up at the first hotel they came across, not fancy but not the worst place he had seen.  Jaebum went inside with Youngjae following behind him to the service desk.  “Hi, we’d like two rooms for the night.”

“Wait,” Youngjae interrupted.  “One room is fine, with two beds.”

“You don’t want your own room?”

“Well, I like privacy but with my condition, I want someone to be nearby just in case anything… happens.”  Jaebum didn’t like to be reminded of the fact that Youngjae was a walking time bomb, and the thought seemed to drop Youngjae’s mood as well.  He wished he hadn’t asked.

“Oh, of course, that’s no problem,” He turned back to the desk.  “One room two beds, if it’s possible.”

The person at the front checked them in and showed them to their room.  It was small but Youngjae didn’t seem to care, already yawning as he walked through the door.  Jaebum hadn’t anticipated sharing a room so he had to adjust.  “You can’t sleep like that, change your clothes at least.”

“Too… tired.”  Youngjae groaned.  “Didn’t even… bring pajamas.”  After that, Youngjae’s eyes closed and didn’t open again for the rest of the night.

Jaebum decided to leave him, he couldn’t wake him now.  He tossed his clothes aside, not caring about Youngjae being in the room since he was dead asleep and got his tired self into bed as well.  He checked his phone, searching the area and trying to scope out what kinds of things they could do tomorrow.  He needed to keep this trip fun for the next month, he was determined not to let Youngjae down.

* * *

 

“Are the sleeves supposed to be this long?”  Youngjae had taken Jaebum seriously when he said to pack light, meaning he didn’t even pack any clothes.  He thought they would buy new ones or something.  He hadn’t thought everything through in his rush to leave before his siblings could question him too much.

“That’s the style.  You can roll them up if you want.”  Jaebum had lent him some clothes so he didn’t have to wear the same thing for today at least.  The holes in his jeans were making Youngjae’s knees cold.

“No, it’s okay,” He flopped his long sleeves around.  “I kind of like them like this.”

Jaebum had said he had a plan for today and Youngjae trusted that it was going to be fun like he said. 

It turns out Jaebum wasn’t so bad to hang out with.  He never was, but there was still some weird tension between them preventing them from being super chummy.  After all the teasing Youngjae did yesterday it seems like the weird air between them had lifted.

Jaebum pulled into a touristy area after driving for almost two hours, excited about the destination.  Youngjae had no idea what to expect, so he was pleasantly surprised when they arrived at a huge aquarium.

“Oh!  I’ve never been to one of these before.” 

Jaebum seemed happy Youngjae was excited, guiding him inside and paying for their tickets.  “Welcome to the fish tank.”  He announced when they finally got to the fishes.

Youngjae had seen small aquariums before, but the scale of this one was amazing.  All sorts of fish swam around, some sections even had extended the tanks to go above their heads.  Youngjae felt like a kid again, pressing his hands against the tanks and trying to get the fish to notice him.  Jaebum tried to stay behind him but Youngjae could tell he was itching to wave at the fish as well.

It was a weekend so there were so many children there.  By the time they got to the sharks there was a huge lineup.  Youngjae managed to get through the line and into the exhibit but afterward he realized he had lost Jaebum somewhere in the crowd.  He was a grown adult but he panicked a bit, he was still scared of being by himself.  “Jaebum?”

He looked around and still couldn’t find him.

“Jaebum?!”  He was trying to keep his cool but he felt his head starting to pound as it always did when he was stressed.  He was supposed to remain calm this wasn’t good for him if he didn’t calm down-

“Youngjae,” Jaebum’s voice immediately calmed him down. “Are you okay? You’re sweating.”

“I couldn’t find you and my head started hurting and- I’m sorry I freaked out.  It wasn’t a big deal.” 

Jaebum studied his composure then reached out and grabbed his hand.  “Sorry I didn’t stay close by, I didn’t mean to worry you.  Hold onto my hand so we can stick together.”

Youngjae took one last deep breath to calm himself down and his headache receded.  “Alright.”  Youngjae tried to enjoy the sharks again despite the number of screaming children but he was distracted.  He wasn’t worried anymore but he was very aware of Jaebum’s hand in his.

He didn’t know when their fingers got intertwined.  Youngjae might’ve done that himself so he was sure Jaebum wasn’t going to let go.  Jaebum didn’t seem like the type to like holding hands, but he was the one who suggested it.  Why was he thinking so deeply about this anyways?

It had always been clear him and Jaebum were close but he still couldn’t wrap his mind around being just friends with him.  Jaebum was handsome, that’s for sure.  Far too handsome to be hanging out with someone like him.  That’s why he tried not to think about being anything beyond friends with him, he was unattainable.  He was almost positive Jaebum wasn’t interested in guys anyway.

He was in the last days of his life but he still didn’t think of pursuing Jaebum any further.  He was trying to live with no regrets and this would be a huge one.  It would be even worse to make things awkward between them while they were together like this, so he accepted he shouldn’t try anything further.  It would only hurt them both due to his condition.

That didn’t mean he wasn’t going to enjoy the way Jaebum's hand felt in his.

* * *

 

A week had gone by so quickly Jaebum had hardly noticed.  He was having a fun time, making sure Youngjae was smiling more rather than thinking about his condition.  He was proud of himself for succeeding to put a smile on his face for so long.

So far, they had kept this tame, still experiencing new things but not doing anything overly exciting.  Jaebum had gone back and forth on this idea for a while but he decided Youngjae would like it in the end.  They bought brand new clothes and Jaebum even did Youngjae’s makeup, since they were going out for a night in town.

Dressed in the new clothes and one of Jaebum’s leather jackets, Youngjae looked gorgeous. 

Jaebum had always thought Youngjae was attractive, but with his new hair and the styling, he was radiant.  Jaebum had never been attracted to Youngjae in this way before, but recently he felt himself slipping.  Not only was Youngjae attractive, but hanging out with him had been so much fun he wouldn’t mind spending a lot more time like this.

He had to push those thoughts to the back of his mind, as he knew he wouldn’t be able to enjoy being with Youngjae for much longer. He refused to get too attached.

“Are you not going to tell me where we’re going?  This secretive thing is getting old.”  Youngjae tossed himself back into the front seat of the car and turned the radio on himself, blasting Jaebum’s music.

“You always enjoy wherever I bring you, why are you so worried today?”

“It’s ten at night, what kind of place would you be taking me to at this hour?  Are we going clubbing?”

“No, but you’re close.”  Youngjae was lost in thought trying to think of where they could be going but Jaebum wouldn’t tell him anything.

Jaebum told Youngjae to close his eyes as they approached, covering them himself and walking him into the venue.

Jaebum wasn’t all too familiar with places like these, having only been to one two times in his life.  He was having second thoughts bringing Youngjae here even as he walked in.  He knew Youngjae seemed pure but he was still an adult, and he knew there was a side to Youngjae that was anything but pure.

The air was thick and Youngjae shifted in Jaebum’s arms guiding him in.  The loud music permeating his ears made him feel like he needed a drink to enjoy the atmosphere. 

Jaebum finally removed his hands from Youngjae’s face when they sat down.  “This is a club.”

“Right, but it’s not a regular club.”  Jaebum smirked. 

He wasn’t planning to drink considering he had to drive back to the hotel, no matter how tempting the bar was. Youngjae couldn’t drink due to his medication either, but he was sure they would have no problem enjoying this sober.  “Not a regular club?”

The lights dimmed and the crowd of guys cheered, Jaebum joining in with them.  The stage in front of them lit up, a woman walked out and waved to the crowd, showing off her curves in an outfit that exposed more than it covered.  It seems like Youngjae finally got the hint.

“This is a strip club?!”  He put a hand over his mouth, realizing he had spoken too loudly.  Jaebum just laughed.

“You need to experience new things, and I’m pretty sure this is new.”  Jaebum teased, as Youngjae gave him an uncomfortable smile.

“Yeah, ha.”  Jaebum decided to leave him to enjoy the show.

It had only been ten minutes when he felt Youngjae pulling at his jacket, trying to get his attention.  “Jaebum.”

He turned back to him and found him looking distressed.  Jaebum immediately went into ‘taking care of Youngjae’ mode.  “Is something wrong?”

“I feel sick.”  That was all he needed to say before Jaebum took his hand and whisked him out of the club and let him sit back down in the car. 

“Does your head hurt?”  Jaebum put a hand on his forehead, making sure he wasn’t sweating.

“No…”  This was a bad idea, he shouldn’t have been so careless.  Youngjae couldn’t handle these kinds of places- “I’m not sick, sorry.  I lied.”

Jaebum didn’t process the information immediately.  “What?”

“I’m feeling fine, I just wanted to leave.  I’m sorry, I ruined your night- “

“Youngjae, if you wanted to leave that’s fine you could’ve told me.  I’m doing this all for you and if you felt uncomfortable then you didn’t have to continue.  I’m sorry, this is my fault.”

“No, it’s not.  You didn’t know, you couldn’t have known… I…”  Youngjae looked like he was having a hard time trying to say something.

“Know what?”

“Okay, I didn’t think I’d ever have to say this out loud but,” Youngjae took a deep breath.  “I’m not interested in girls.  Never have been.”

“You’re…”

“Interested in guys.  There!  I said it!  Wow, what a relief!  That feels good to acknowledge out loud actually.  Attracted to guys.  Only guys.”  Youngjae kept repeating to himself before he looked at Jaebum who looked confused.  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.  Do you have a problem with that? I can still go home, I mean…”

Jaebum didn’t know what to say.  He was trying to wrap his head around this fact.  Jaebum didn’t have a problem with it.  He was attracted to guys and girls himself, but he was cursing himself because he didn’t realize it sooner.

It wasn’t only that though.  Youngjae being attracted to guys was never a thought that went through his mind, and now it would be even harder to hold back.  Especially when he was looking so good.

_No.  Im Jaebum don’t you dare._

“Jaebum, are you okay?  I can leave.”

“No, it’s fine.  I’m… sorry.”  His heart was thrumming deep in his chest.

_This isn’t something you should do.  You’re not allowed to hurt him._

His hand moved on its own, caressing Youngjae’s cheek.  “Jaebum, what are you doing?”  Youngjae’s face was practically red hot, a simple touch and Jaebum had this kind of effect on him.

_I want him so badly._

“Have you ever had a boyfriend?”  That was probably the worst thing to ask in this situation. 

“What, no.  I can’t.  I’ve never even been out on a date, I’m not open about this.”

_Stop this before you get hurt._

“So… it’s something you haven’t experienced.”

“Well, no.  Never.” 

_This can’t be happening.  You can’t do this._

“Would you like to experience it?”

Youngjae was flushed, looking too goddamn attractive for Jaebum to resist.  “Yes.”

The affirmation was all he needed.

He took Youngjae’s face in his hands and pressed their lips together, readily realizing they both wanted this.  They leaned their bodies as close as they could from where they were sitting in the car, lips moving fervently against each other.

Jaebum felt like he was dreaming, not only was he kissing Youngjae but Youngjae was _kissing him back_.

Jaebum got too eager, his tongue darting out of his mouth much too quickly and Youngjae pulled away in shock.

He didn’t want the kiss to end, because as soon as it did Youngjae covered his mouth, staring at Jaebum like he had done the most scandalous thing known to mankind.  “I… I didn’t mean to-“

“Youngjae please-“

“You didn’t need to do that.”  Youngjae blurted out, eyes shining and face still red. 

Jaebum wanted to say that he didn’t do it for Youngjae’s sake.  He wanted to say he did it because he truly wanted to kiss him.  That’s what he wanted to say, but he couldn’t bring himself to utter the words.  Youngjae didn’t deserve his half-hearted feelings.

He turned his gaze back to the front and started the car.  “Come on, let’s go back to the hotel.”

That drive was the worst half an hour of his life.  He could hear Youngjae sniffling next to him and he refused to look over.  His heart couldn’t handle it.

When they arrived all he said was “You go up to the room, I’ll stay down here for a bit longer.”

He needed time to cool down but he never made it back to the room.

* * *

 

Youngjae woke up the next day hoping the events of the night before were all part of some sort of twisted dream turned into a nightmare.  He wanted to rewind and go back to when he and Jaebum were friends and having fun together.

Instead, he woke up alone and scared.  Jaebum was nowhere to be found. He almost wanted to start crying again because this was all his fault.  Jaebum cared about him a lot and in the end, he managed to ruin everything.  He made Jaebum uncomfortable.  He should’ve never kissed him.  He wanted to so badly he couldn’t think straight. 

Jaebum must’ve forced himself for his sake.  He didn’t want that, that was the last thing he wanted.  _A pity kiss._   He’d rather die tomorrow than face Jaebum who hadn’t come back to the room.  There was no way he’d leave him, he was his only means of getting back home, but he had to get out of bed.

He shrugged his clothes back on and headed downstairs to check them out of the hotel.  He was both thankful and worried when he found Jaebum fast asleep in the backseat of his car.  He knocked on the window to wake him up.  There was no point in him standing outside with their bags any longer, it would draw unwanted attention.

Jaebum was startled awake by the loud knocking, but his face immediately fell when his gaze settled on Youngjae.  He straightened out his clothes and climbed back into the front seat to open the doors and let Youngjae in. 

Youngjae opened his mouth to speak but then closed it again, unsure of what he should say.  _What could he say?_  Jaebum seemed like he was at a loss for words as well.  Youngjae settled on “Take me home, please.”  And Jaebum replied by starting the car and driving back down the road they came from.

The tension in the car was killing Youngjae slowly.  He didn’t want everything to end like this, but what could he do?  He had ruined everything.  He should’ve played along and not complained.  Did it even matter?  He wouldn’t have to deal with this much longer.  He could still invest the rest of his funds in Kart Rider.

They drove for an hour in tortuous silence before Jaebum suddenly pulled the car over to the side of the road and slammed on the breaks.  Youngjae would’ve flown right out the window if he hadn’t been wearing his seatbelt.

“I can’t do this.”  Jaebum said, finally looking over at him.  Oh no, was he going to kick him out of the car now too?  In the middle of nowhere?  _Would he have to hitchhike home?_

“Should I get out?”  Youngjae asked, voice so soft because he was scared it would break again.  He felt so vulnerable but he didn’t want to show it.

“What?  No, _god no_ Youngjae, there’s been a misunderstanding.  I’m so sorry.”

“What are you apologizing for?  This is my fault.”

“How is this your fault?  I was the one who kissed you.”

“You only did it for me.  I shouldn’t have kissed you back.  It was wrong to take advantage of you.”

Youngjae almost jumped out of his seat when Jaebum’s fist collided with the dashboard.  “That’s not true.”  He took a deep breath and tried to calm himself down.  “I kissed you because I wanted to kiss you Youngjae.  I was selfish. If anything, I took advantage of you.”

Youngjae was about to respond but then he realized what Jaebum had said.  “You wanted to kiss me?  Not because I said I was interested in you?”  Youngjae questioned.

“You didn’t say you were interested in me, you said you were interested in guys.”  _Oh._ Youngjae had forgotten exactly what he had said.  _Well, guess that one’s out in the open now too._

Youngjae hesitated.  This is not where he thought this conversation would be going.  “These times with you have been so wonderful.  I know I shouldn’t develop feelings, but I couldn’t help myself.  I was selfish.”

“Don’t say that.  I’m at fault too.  I told myself I would keep my feelings in check so I wouldn’t get hurt, but it’s easier said than done.  Youngjae, I’ve always been interested in you, whether you want to believe it or not.  I’ve always wanted to kiss you.” 

Youngjae felt like his heart was going to leap right through his chest, he was so shocked.  Intimidatingly handsome Im Jaebum had always had a crush on _him_.  Was he hearing this right?  “Why me?” 

Jaebum looked him in the eyes, his piercing glare sending his heart racing again.  “Youngjae, you have no idea how amazing you are.  Beautiful on the inside and outside.  Whenever I’m around you I feel like life’s going to turn out alright, that’s why I fell in love with you.”

This time, Youngjae was the one who leaned in and initiated the kiss.

* * *

 

If Jaebum was certain of only one thing right now, it was that he was absolutely _fucked._

If there was a God he must’ve been having a lot of fun watching Jaebum’s life play out.  Jaebum was helplessly in love but, plot twist, the love of his life was going to be gone by the end of the month and there was nothing he could do about it!  Great! 

Jaebum wanted to cry, he had never felt like this before.  He couldn’t show it, Youngjae was finally looking the happiest he’s been since they started their trip.  They both knew what was happening had an awful reality behind it, but they were both trying to seize the day as best they could.  He wouldn’t allow Youngjae to cry anymore.

After making out on the side of the road for almost an hour, Jaebum turned the car back around and they drove back on track.  Right now, they were seated in a fancy restaurant.  Youngjae hadn’t ever been to a place like this before and it was adorable how in awe he was at the shiny proper cutlery before him.

“You should get the most expensive thing on the menu, might as well.”  Jaebum suggested and Youngjae followed through, ordering some sort of fancy steak and lobster combo that cost a small fortune. 

The food was so delicious Jaebum considered moving into their kitchen and spending the rest of the month there eating.  Youngjae looked like he wouldn’t mind either, judging by the way he was shoveling food into his mouth.

Youngjae was so happy he was swinging his legs back and forth, almost kicking Jaebum multiple times because their legs were so close together. “Hey,” Jaebum said, putting his leg against Youngjae’s calves to stop him from rocking.  “You’re going to give me a bruise.”

“Hmm?” Youngjae said, the teasing tone evident in his voice.  “Sorry, should I put my legs here instead?”  Youngjae hoisted both his legs up and put them on Jaebum’s lap in cute defiance.  He was thankful nobody could see anything under the tablecloth.

“Not funny,” Jaebum said, even though he was smiling.  He tried to push Youngjae’s legs off his lap but Youngjae slowly slid them down his thighs and calves to try and annoy him further, but it did the exact opposite.  “ _Don’t_ do that.”

“Why not?”  Youngjae must not have understood why Jaebum was begging him to stop.  Youngjae took his leg and pushed Jaebum’s legs apart, trailing his leg back up to Jaebum’s thigh, giggling as he saw Jaebum jolt in his seat.

“Youngjae, _please_.”  He tried to finish up his food ignoring Youngjae’s leg prodding at his calves and thighs.  Youngjae was so giddy and cute and Jaebum should’ve had his mind rinsed out with soap for thinking of anything impure in the presence of- “Ah!”

Youngjae’s leg scooted right up his leg and between his upper thighs and Jaebum realized that Youngjae knew exactly what he was doing.  It was only confirmed by the way Youngjae was smirking at him when he looked over at him, his own face flushed. 

“Looks like you two are done with your plates, would you like our dessert menu?”  The waitress said as she walked over to them.

They spoke at the same time.  “Cheque please.”

As soon as they got up Jaebum took Youngjae by the hand and dragged him outside to the car, shoving him in the backseat and getting in behind him.  “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“I’m not doing anything.”

Jaebum thought he knew Youngjae rather well by this point.  _Of course,_ he had thought about doing less than innocent things to Youngjae.  In fact, he thought about it a lot, but he would never push Youngjae into something he wasn’t ready for.  He doubted Youngjae even thought about those kinds of things.  He had accepted it might not even happen.  “Choi Youngjae, don’t you dare _play_ me like this.”

Youngjae took advantage of the way they were positioned, Jaebum leaning over him and Youngjae almost underneath him.  Youngjae put an arm on the back of Jaebum’s neck, pulling him in for a heated kiss.  “Jaebum,” Youngjae said as their lips parted, trailing kisses up the side of his cheek leading up his face so he could whisper into his ear.  “I don’t want to die a virgin.”

Jaebum had to resist the urge to pinch himself to make sure he wasn’t dreaming.  “What?” 

“Unless you don’t want to.  I just thought…”

“No, no, no!  Of course, I _want_ to but, I thought you would want to wait a bit longer…”

“For someone in my position, waiting too long isn’t an option.”  Youngjae smiled bitterly and Jaebum wanted to sink into the ground, _that was stupid of me to say._

“If you’re sure about it then… with me…”

“Did you have someone else in mind?”  Youngjae was toying with him now. 

“No!”  Jaebum sputtered and Youngjae laughed at his reaction.

Youngjae pulled him down for a kiss again, pressing their bodies together and driving Jaebum right off the edge. “What are you waiting for?”

“Not here.”  He murmured through the kiss, pulling away and crawling into the front seat, starting the car and taking off at top speed.

* * *

 

It was very easy to pin Youngjae as the innocent type, he played that game well.  He wasn’t overly obscene in his daily life but underneath the surface, he surprised even himself with some of the thoughts that ran through his mind. 

Kissing Jaebum had ruined him, making him want him so bad he couldn’t keep a cap on it.  He was desperate to touch him, and do it as many times as he could before he didn’t have the chance to anymore.  He had piled on the confidence and went in for the kill and he thought he was successful, that was until Jaebum drove the car up to a convenience store up the road that looked like it only had a customer every hundred years.

“Uh,” The atmosphere had been so heated and intense but Youngjae was confused.  “Where are we?”

Jaebum seemed equally disappointed in their surroundings.  “If you want to do _that_ then uh… we need to do it properly.  I don’t want to hurt you.” 

Youngjae’s confidence flew out the window at that moment, his cheeks red as he sank down into his seat.  “Oh.”  He had to commend Jaebum for being thoughtful and informed about these things, but that didn’t make it any less embarrassing.  Youngjae had been so eager, now his mojo was deflated.

“So, you just need to go in there and buy some condoms and lube.  I’ll wait here.”  Jaebum spoke so fast it sounded like it was jumbled up into one huge word.

“I- Wait, why me?  Shouldn’t you go?”

“Youngjae,” Jaebum refused to meet his eyes, like he knew damn well he was guilty of trying to throw the task on him.  “Buying condoms is a life experience, and I wouldn’t want you to miss out on that.”

“No way, not a chance.  I’m not doing it alone, you’re coming with me.” 

Jaebum couldn’t try and throw Youngjae under the bus for long, giving in and going with him.

When they walked, in the place was deserted.  Youngjae for the first time in his life craved being hidden within the heavy crowds of the city.  “Oh, customers!”  An elderly lady sprung up from her seat behind the counter.  “You’re just in time, I finished a batch of sweet potatoes.”  She was so cute, so innocent.  The only thing that was stopping Youngjae from turning around right that moment was Jaebum blocking the way, pushing him forward.

“No thanks, we just ate.” Jaebum said as he smiled at the lady, shoving Youngjae forward because his feet had frozen in place.  He whispered to him, “Don’t think about it, it’s like ripping off a band-aid.  We’ll never see her again.”

That was easier said than done as they walked out of her line of sight and down the aisles of neglected goods.  When they found what they were looking for it was obvious that nobody comes in here looking for condoms.  All the boxes in that section had a thin layer of dust coating them.  “Are these even safe?”

 “Check the expiry date.”

“Condoms have expiry dates?”

Jaebum twisted his face trying not to smile at his naivete while checking them himself.  “They’re fine, get them.”  Jaebum started dumping boxes into his arms and bottles of lube nonchalantly.

“Wait, why so much?!”

“You don’t want to have to do this again, do you?”

Youngjae would rather not do this again, better safe than sorry indeed.  Youngjae looked over both shoulders to make sure nobody was looking at them.  “Okay, now to go over there… and buy them.”  Youngjae feet froze in place again.  “On second thought you shouldn’t have come, having you here makes the situation look even weirder.”

“You’re the one who begged me to come with you.”

Youngjae groaned.  “I can’t do this, she reminds me of my grandma.”

“Don’t think about it like that, do it quickly.”

“My head hurts.”

“Don’t lie.”

Youngjae didn’t want to argue, so he finally walked up and dumped everything on the counter, trying to act indifferent.   Maybe he should’ve bought something else to make it less awkward?  No, doesn’t matter. 

The elderly lady was still smiling as they walked up, looking like she wanted to chat with them again until she saw what they were buying and her smile fell.  He was thankful she didn’t say anything. 

Youngjae was clenching so hard as she scanned everything one by one at an agonizingly slow pace, looking up at the two of them one more time with a look of disgust mixed with pain.  “Do you need a bag?”

Youngjae thought if he requested a bag she’d have to slowly put everything in as well, so he declined. He grabbed everything in his arms and almost sprinted out the door, leaving Jaebum to pay.  He couldn’t handle it anymore, _he needed air._

He tried to open the door then remembered it was locked because Jaebum was still in the store. _God,_ was he thankful that this place was deserted and nobody saw him standing outside the car with an armful of contraceptives.  He almost let out a yell of relief when Jaebum finally came out from the store and unlocked the doors, the beeping signalling his freedom.

“Are you,” Jaebum said as he entered the driver’s seat himself.  “…alright?”

Youngjae had dumped everything in the backseat and was trying to calm himself down and let the redness from his face fade away.  It wasn’t working.  “I’m fine.”

That’s when Jaebum had the _audacity_ to start laughing at him.  He tried to hold it back, but he couldn’t control it.  “I’m so sorry!  I didn’t realize you would be this traumatized.”

“I’m glad I won’t have to see my grandma again for the rest of my life because I wouldn’t be able to look her in the eyes and not get flashbacks.”  Talk about a mood killer, what were they even doing before this?  Youngjae was too frazzled to remember.

“I’d think it’s best you stop thinking about that,” Jaebum gently put his hand on the back of his head, pulling him close and giving him a soft kiss on the lips.  “And focus back on me.”

Oh _right,_ Jaebum had for some wild reason agreed to sleep with him.  That’s what they were doing.

One more kiss and Jaebum’s hand grabbing eagerly at his thigh and Youngjae’s mind was back where it needed to be.

* * *

 

Jaebum had imagined this moment so differently in his head, but the reality was far from his expectations.  He didn’t want to ruin the mood any more than he already had, but since they had checked out of their hotel planning to cover enough ground to make it to another hotel by nightfall they currently had nowhere proper to stay.  That meant Jaebum had to anxiously drive along the road with his phone in hand searching for nearby places to stay for half an hour, trying not to completely lose himself in the way Youngjae kept teasingly touching him.  He’s sure he almost steered into oncoming traffic three times.

When they finally reached the first place it turned out to be a run-down motel, the exterior failing to make it look like it was a comfortable place to stay.  He was sure it couldn’t be _that_ bad inside.  One more moment without his hands on Youngjae and he would’ve clawed his eyes out.

“Hi, we need one room for the night, double bed.”  Jaebum said as soon as he got to the counter, Youngjae still walking up with his luggage behind him. 

The lady was chewing gum loudly, not even looking up from the magazine she was flipping through to answer him.  “We have no more doubles, only singles.”

_You are not going to ruin this chance, you are not going to ruin this chance._ Jaebum kept telling himself.  “That’s… fine.  We’ll take a single bed.”

“Great.”  She deadpanned, begrudgingly putting her magazine down to key their information into the computer.

Youngjae had only made it up to the counter with his luggage when Jaebum got the keys and pulled Youngjae along to the stairs.  “There’s no elevator, but it’s only the third floor.  I’ll carry your luggage if you want.”

“I’ll be okay.”  He said as he lifted the luggage himself and they both walked up three flights of stairs as quickly as they could.

They were both out of breath by the time they got to the top, Jaebum kneeling over for a moment as if he were an old man.

“Wait… one moment.”  Youngjae said as he tried to catch his breath. 

“It’s right here the first room."  Jaebum managed to say when he straightened his back again.  “You can rest in there.”  He got the key in the lock and swung the door open to find the most modest room he’s ever seen.  The bed barely had room at either side, the only other thing in the room was a small bedside table.  He was so underwhelmed he was thankful they even had a bathroom.  “Sorry, they only had singles, it should be fine, right?”

Jaebum could tell Youngjae was wavering between desire and anxiousness the moment they checked in. 

“Are you feeling alright?”

“Fine!  Everything is good!”  Youngjae said trying too hard to sound like he was okay.

Jaebum pulled Youngjae close and he melted into his touch.  “You still want this, right?”

“I want you so badly,” Youngjae replied and Jaebum felt a chill down his spine.  “Are _you_ sure about this?”

Jaebum had never been so sure of something in his entire life.  “Of course, I want this.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

“Okay…” 

_Why was it suddenly so awkward!?_ Jaebum decided to go in for the heated kiss first since they had no uncertainties in doing that.  He tried to tiptoe them over to the bed as they were kissing but Youngjae pulled back before they made it there. 

“Wait, umm,” What _now._ “Can I shower first?  Really quickly, five minutes max, I promise.”

“If it makes you more comfortable, then go ahead.”  Jaebum was getting antsy but he couldn’t say no to Youngjae.  This was already way too far from perfect and he didn’t want to ruin it anymore.

Jaebum wasn’t a virgin, not by a long shot, but he had never in his life been this nervous about sleeping with anyone.  Youngjae meant way too much to him to let him down even the slightest, especially when he was expecting so much.  _Okay, five minutes._ Jaebum settled himself on top of the bed, adjusting his pose.  Sho _uld I lie here?  On my back… no… facing that direction?_ Everything seemed unnatural and ridiculous.  _Should I get undressed, take off my shirt at least?_   He ended up taking his shirt and pants off, leaving only his underwear on.  _Maybe Youngjae would prefer if I turned the light off?  No, then I wouldn’t be able to see him-_

“J-J-J-J-Jaebum.”  Youngjae stuttered and Jaebum jolted from his position in shock, almost knocking the lamp right off the bedside table.

“Youngjae?  What’s wr- “Jaebum thought he was mentally prepared enough for this, but he had to stop himself from gasping when he saw Youngjae standing in front of him with only a towel wrapped around his waist, water droplets still cascading down his body.

“T-t-there was no hot w-water, so I s-showered with the c-c-c-cold instead,” Youngjae said, still shivering.  “S-s-so cold.”

“Come here.”  Jaebum instructed, and Youngjae crawled into his arms despite his state of undress.  Youngjae’s towel clung to his hips as his back pressed into Jaebum’s chest, immediately absorbing all the warmth out of him. 

Youngjae wasn’t that much smaller than him but he still felt tiny in his arms. Jaebum’s legs pulled him in even closer.  His hands travelled from his shoulder down to his chest and Youngjae didn’t move them, basking in Jaebum’s warmth.  “I feel better.”

“Good.”  Jaebum couldn’t hold back, Youngjae’s neck too close and inviting.  He started leaving soft kisses on his shoulder and climbed up his neck and wasn’t met with any resistance, so he started licking and sucking a mark onto Youngjae’s neck.  Youngjae shifted a bit, angling himself so Jaebum could reach better.  Youngjae let out the softest moan and Jaebum thought he wasn’t going to make it. 

The hands Jaebum had on Youngjae’s chest started teasing his nipples.  Youngjae involuntarily grinded backward into Jaebum, pressing his ass right into to Jaebum’s crotch, making Jaebum groan into Youngjae’s neck.  “Jaebum.”  He loved it so much when Youngjae says his name.

“Hmm?” 

Youngjae responded with his body, his hands guiding Jaebum’s hands down lower on his chest, down to where his towel that was barely staying on him.  He was glad Youngjae set a pace because he was scared to move forward without Youngjae’s permission. 

He grazed his fingers along Youngjae’s hip bone.  “Is it okay?”

“Mmm.”  Youngjae nodded yes.  Jaebum’s hand crept below the towel, feeling his way south and wrapping his hand around Youngjae’s length.  The tip was already wet with precum.  Jaebum fingered at the wetness, spreading it down his length and making him slick enough to stroke him comfortably. 

Jaebum wanted to kiss him but the sounds that started spilling from Youngjae’s mouth were too good not to hear.  Soft moans and whimpers that only got louder as Jaebum stroked faster. 

“I want you…”  Youngjae whispered.

“You want me to what?”

“I want you to fuck me like the little slut I am.”

Jaebum immediately started choking on air.  _Did he hear that right?_

“Ah!  Are you okay?  Was that too much or...?  That’s usually what they say in porn so I thought…”

Jaebum detached himself from Youngjae until he stopped coughing and got his brain back in working order. “I- um.  It’s fine just… warn me next time… maybe, _wow._ Okay _.”_

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

“No!  It’s fine!”  Jaebum’s mind was buzzing with all the things he wanted to do to Youngjae but he knew he needed some self-control.  Youngjae was crawling towards him, his towel had fallen off leaving him completely naked and Jaebum had to take some more deep breaths.

“I’m not very good at this.”  Jaebum wanted to kiss that cute pout right off Youngjae’s face.

“It’s me, I need to calm down.  I wanted this to be perfect for you and it’s going all wrong. “

“Nothing’s gone wrong,” Youngjae had the most beautiful eyes, Jaebum was entranced and willing to believe anything he said when he looked at him like this.  “It’s already perfect because you’re here.”

Jaebum had never been so taken by all these emotions before he met Youngjae, the feelings so foreign he didn’t know how to handle it.  Youngjae was too good for him but did that matter?  He would never understand what Youngjae saw him in but if there was one thing he truly believed now, it was that Youngjae liked him.  A lot.

Jaebum didn’t know how to respond, so instead, he kissed him, softly this time.  Youngjae didn’t seem to get the memo that this was supposed to be a tender moment, grabbing him by the neck and pulling him in for a more passionate kiss.  Jaebum couldn’t complain.

“Hmm,” Jaebum said as they finally separated.  “Lie down, on your back.”  He wanted a good view of Youngjae’s face so he could gauge how he’s feeling.

Youngjae obliged and Jaebum got up to grab the things they suffered through buying at the store. 

Jaebum felt better, but still scared.  Youngjae looked so innocent below him, his cheeks flushed and his skin glistening with sweat from Jaebum’s earlier ministrations.  It was a pretty picture he was afraid to ruin.  “Tell me to stop if you’re uncomfortable.”

Youngjae nodded while eyeing Jaebum’s fingers expectantly.  Jaebum was sliding the lube between his fingers, warming it up for Youngjae’s sake. 

Youngjae moved his legs so Jaebum could reach him more easily, and they ended up on Jaebum’s shoulders.  Youngjae looked embarrassed by the position but Jaebum was trying to burn the sight in his memory so he wouldn’t forget it. 

Jaebum finally moved to touch Youngjae, a single finger sliding between his cheeks and making him slick.  Slowly, Jaebum slid one finger inside him but stopped when Youngjae winced.  “Youngjae,” Jaebum said.  “You need to relax, or else it’s going to hurt.”

It seemed ironic he was trying to tell Youngjae to stay calm when he was five seconds away from screaming over how bad yet good this whole situation was, but it had to be said.  “I’m trying.”

Youngjae was still tense, so instead, Jaebum reached out to stroke him again.  The stimulation seemed to help, the stressed look on his face faded back into bliss.  “Jaebum…”

“I know.”  Jaebum whispered as his slick finger slid between Youngjae again, pressing gently into him and this time meeting less resistance.  Youngjae seemed to be fine this time, so he pumped his finger in and out, stretching him. 

At this point Jaebum was so hard it hurt, his own length pressed against his underwear, but he had to be patient.

Youngjae felt when Jaebum added a second finger, a surprised whimper escaping his mouth.   “You okay?”  Jaebum felt a twinge of panic every time Youngjae’s face twisted but he knew it couldn’t be completely painless.

“Keep going.”  Youngjae insisted. 

Jaebum moved his fingers in and out of Youngjae, stretching him carefully and making sure he didn’t hurt him.

“It doesn’t hurt anymore…”  Youngjae said matter-of-factly.

“Are you…”  Jaebum didn’t know how to phrase what he wanted to ask but Youngjae got the gist.

“It doesn’t feel like anything.” 

Jaebum angled Youngjae so his legs were higher in the air, then pushed his two fingers in deeper.  “How about now?”  Jaebum grinned up at him but Youngjae was still confused.

“…still nothing.” 

Jaebum tried again, determined to get a good reaction out of Youngjae.  His two fingers sinking in as far as they could, curling up against Youngjae.  “Now?”

“Maybe your fingers are too short.”  Jaebum’s pride and face instantly fell.  “Wait!  I didn’t mean that in a… bad way.”  Youngjae couldn’t help the giggle that slipped past his lips.  “You look _so_ sad.”

Jaebum let him burst out laughing, removing his fingers and crossing his arms.  “It’s not funny.”

“Cheer up!”  Youngjae tried to get Jaebum to smile and he was too cute for Jaebum to act mad anymore.  Youngjae turned over so he was on his hands and knees.  He leaned back, pressing his ass against Jaebum’s clothed crotch.  “Want you.” 

Jaebum was too turned on to be shocked by how much of a tease Youngjae was, wasting no time getting rid of his boxers and feeling around for the bottle of lube again. 

After applying a generous amount of lube to himself and Youngjae to be extra sure nothing would go wrong, he lined himself up and pressed the tip of his condom-sheathed cock against Youngjae.  “Crawl backward.”  Jaebum instructed, letting Youngjae take him in at the pace he preferred.

Youngjae took him in slowly, making Jaebum hiss and groan.  He wanted to jerk his hips forward and let himself be engulfed in the warmth and pleasure immediately.  Youngjae was taking his sweet time and Jaebum wasn’t sure if he was having a hard time or he liked hearing Jaebum suffer. 

Youngjae took him in fully and Jaebum tried his best to keep quiet, but there were tears in his eyes- it felt so good. 

“Fuck me,” Youngjae didn’t seem to know any subtle terms for what he wanted.  “Please.”  He added at the end in a softer voice and Jaebum had to make sure his brain didn’t shut down again.  Jaebum finally moved his hips, giving in to his desire.

It took a bit but Youngjae soon started making tiny noises, small whimpers and soft groans that urged Jaebum’s hips to speed up into a steady rhythm.  Jaebum’s skin pressed against Youngjae’s ass every time he thrust forward.

Jaebum angled himself more and Youngjae’s whines got louder, mixing with swear words he didn’t even know Youngjae knew.  “Faster...”  Youngjae pleaded and Jaebum obliged to the best of his ability, but his legs were already starting to shake.

“Youngjae I’m- “Jaebum tried to hold on but the way Youngjae pressed his face into the pillow desperately trying to silence his whining pushed Jaebum over the edge.  He came hard, goose bumps all over his skin as the aftershocks of pleasure swept through his body.  “ _Fuck.”_

He pulled out and Youngjae turned himself over so he could look up at Jaebum.  He looked so beautiful covered in sweat and looking thoroughly fucked out.  “Jaebum…”  Youngjae had a hand wrapped around himself but Jaebum knocked it away, claiming it his duty to finish what he started.

“Are you close?”  Jaebum stroked him with fervor, Jaebum’s name leaving his mouth between his moans. 

“I’m so… close...”  A few more strokes and Youngjae was gone, spilling onto Jaebum’s hand and his own stomach.  Jaebum hoped that the walls weren’t as thin as they seemed, from how loudly Youngjae yelled his name he was sure the whole motel was going to know who he was.

Youngjae was still trying to catch his breath and Jaebum was still trying to grasp the fact that this actually happened. 

Once Youngjae pulled it together and looked up at Jaebum, staring at the mess he made.  His cheeks flushing a deeper red.  “Sorry.”

Jaebum almost wanted to laugh.  Instead, he stuck his hand out in front of Youngjae’s face.

“See?  My fingers are good for something after all.”

* * *

 

Youngjae woke in the morning with a sharp pain in his lower back.  “Ugh...”

“Are you okay?  Are you feeling weak? Does your head hurt?!”  Jaebum had already been awake beside him.

“No, my _ass_ hurts.”

“Sorry,” Jaebum looked guilty but it wasn’t anything Youngjae wasn’t expecting or could handle.  “We should’ve bought painkillers too.”

“No, I can’t mix that with my medication anyways.”  Youngjae got up and the pain hit him more, but he tried to hide it from Jaebum. 

“If you want, we can stay here for another day, to relax.” 

Jaebum watched in interest as Youngjae took pills from his bag and swallowed them dry, before returning to Jaebum’s side.  “Wouldn’t that be a waste of a day?”

“Not if you’re going to be miserable if we go out anyways.” Jaebum pulled Youngjae close and snuggled his head into his chest.  “Besides, this is comfy and I don’t want to get up.”

Their closeness because of the single bed turned out to not be a challenge when Jaebum had half his body on top of him all the time anyways.  He had pulled him close during the night draping both his arms and legs around him.  Youngjae didn’t mind, he felt warm and loved.  It was such a far cry from the lonely nights in his hospital bed, the endless beeping noises driving him mad.  “Alright.”  Youngjae was more than happy to stay in bed.

Jaebum was still half asleep, lazily pressing kisses to the side of his face. 

“You know, this is really bad.”  Jaebum pretended not to hear him.  “Jaebum…”

Jaebum groaned and rolled so he was closer to Youngjae’s face.  “I know this is bad.”

“It’s worse for you than it is for me.”  Youngjae didn’t mean to make him feel bad, but he saw Jaebum frown as he spoke.  “I’m sorry.”

“When will you stop apologizing?  It’s not your fault I have feelings for you, that’s all on me.  I couldn’t stay away from you even if I tried, so don’t try to tell me that we can’t be together.  I know that, but I still want to be with you.”  Jaebum was being stubborn.

“What’s going to happen- “

“Don’t think about it,” Jaebum covered Youngjae’s mouth with his hand so he wouldn’t protest.  “Youngjae, it doesn’t matter if we can only be together for a few weeks, days, hours, whatever.  If you’re here I don’t want to waste another moment not loving you, so don’t try to convince me otherwise.”

“I don’t want to be the reason you get hurt.”  Youngjae said, his emotions getting the better of him.  He only spoke in whispers.

“I’ll be more hurt if you don’t let me be with you.” 

“I love you so much, I’m so sorry we couldn’t be together in better circumstances.”  Youngjae didn’t want to cry, but his eyes were getting wet.

“I’ll love you all I can for the next two weeks.  I’ll make sure these are the best days of your life, and that you’ll have nothing to be sorry for,” Jaebum pulled Youngjae’s face into his chest and let him cry out the last of his tears.  “We take life one step at a time.”

Youngjae knows there’s nothing he could do, but he realized he was happy in that moment.  Happier than he would’ve been if he had stayed in the hospital.  Happier than he would’ve been playing kart rider at home.  Happier than he would’ve been if he never gave Jaebum a chance to love him. 

Jaebum was right, he should stop living life trying to push away his own happiness.

* * *

 

The next hotel they stayed in had a karaoke bar and Jaebum dragged Youngjae there, excited to show off his singing skills.

He knew Youngjae had also been a music major and specialized in vocals but since he dropped out so soon he never got the chance to see him sing.  Jaebum didn’t want to miss out on that opportunity, despite Youngjae insisting he wasn’t anything special.

When they got there, they were offered drinks and Youngjae insisted Jaebum had something at least since they weren’t driving.  He always drank whenever he did these kinds of things and Youngjae didn’t seem to care, so Jaebum accepted the drinks and let Youngjae set the machine up.  He hadn’t done this kind of thing in so long, he was excited.

“Do you have any songs you want to sing?”  Youngjae asked as he flipped through their choices.

“No sad songs allowed.”  Jaebum said as he saw Youngjae’s face twist.  He knew he wanted to pick a ballad.  “We’re here to have fun.”

They ended up with some pop song and Jaebum started them off, the alcohol already flowing through his veins and making him overconfident.  He belted the first notes in his best singing voice, showing off his best for Youngjae.    After his long drawn out notes, he passed it to Youngjae to pick off where he left off.

Jaebum didn’t know what he was expecting, but when Youngjae effortlessly sang the notes in a tone so velvety and beautiful Jaebum’s jaw almost hit the floor.

“Youngjae, your voice is amazing!”  He shook him by the shoulders.

“Huh?  I’ve barely trained it, yours is much better.”  Youngjae was being modest.

“No way!  Your tone is amazing… no wonder you were a vocalist.  Wow, I can’t believe this is my first time hearing you sing!”  Jaebum was hyping him up to the max.

A ton more swigs of beer for Jaebum, three pop songs, two cheesy love songs, and one slightly erotic track he sang while staring at Youngjae and he was still ready for more.

“This one sounds cool!”  He slurred and Youngjae was laughing at him.  Why was he laughing?  Oh well, he was having fun!  That was all that mattered.

He belted out another pop song, Youngjae was still cracking up from his spot on the sofa.

“Nevah evah!”  He screamed into the mic.  “Nevah gonna let you go!”  He turned and pointed to Youngjae as he sang, walking towards him.

“Please, my sides hurt!”  Youngjae said between his loud laughs.

Jaebum leaped towards to sofa and grabbed him, pulling him tightly into his arms.  “Baby, you are mine mine mine!!” 

“Jaebum, you’re crushing me!” 

Youngjae was warm and soft.

“Jaebum?”

He had passed out.

* * *

 

The rain was plummeting down so hard the car windows were rattling.  The thunder boomed and the lightning lit up the car every now and then.  Youngjae wasn’t scared of these types of things, it was all part of nature.

Jaebum had to make the decision to stop driving earlier, there was so much rain his wipers couldn’t keep up.  That’s why they had pulled over to the side of the road, to wait until the storm ended.

“Did you know cars are the safest place during a thunderstorm?”  Jaebum said as he rolled a condom onto Youngjae from where he was lying in the backseat of Jaebum’s car.

“Really?”  Jaebum stroked him and applied more lube so he was suitably slick. 

“I’ve heard it before.”  Youngjae had been annoyed when they had to pull over since it seemed like the storm wasn’t going to let up soon, but it turns out Jaebum knew great ways to kill time.

Jaebum’s brought his slick hand down between his own legs, rubbing at his entrance before sitting down onto his two fingers.  “Holy fuck.”

“Where did you learn to swear like that?”  Jaebum teased.

“I’m not a baby.”  Youngjae decided that watching Jaebum finger himself was the single hottest thing he had seen in his life. 

“Oh right, you watch a lot of porn, don’t you?”  The fact that Jaebum could so effortlessly finger himself and carry a conversation turned Youngjae on even more.

“It was only out of curiosity,” Youngjae was still allowed to have his laptop in the hospital.  “I never thought I’d get to experience it first-hand.”

Youngjae had been intimate with Jaebum several times now.  They realized they both wanted it and didn’t want to waste their limited nights, and now their afternoons as well.  “It makes sense as to why you’re such a huge pervert.”

“I’m not a _huge_ pervert.”  Youngjae was scandalized by the way Jaebum could see through him so easily now. 

Jaebum changed his position, lying back with his legs in the air so Youngjae could see him finger himself more clearly.  Youngjae leaned upwards to get a look, completely entranced by the sight.  “You’re drooling.”

Youngjae snapped out of it and immediately wiped away the saliva with the back of his hand.  “No, I’m not.” 

Jaebum laughed, getting back on his knees and crawling on top of Youngjae. Jaebum was being a tease because he knew how badly Youngjae wanted him, but Youngjae refused to give in so easily.  Jaebum’s own stubbornness was rubbing off him on.  “You’re cute when you’re frustrated.” 

“I’m not- “Youngjae stopped speaking when he felt Jaebum’s ass on him, Youngjae’s dick sliding between his cheeks.  “Don’t…”

“Tell me what you want.”  Jaebum was riling him up and despite Youngjae not wanting to lose it, he was done playing games.  Youngjae couldn’t bring himself to say it, so in the pause, Jaebum slid more rapidly against him while bringing his face down to Youngjae’s chest to lick at his nipples.

Youngjae couldn’t hold back his whines, too turned on to care.  “Just put it in, _please_.”

Jaebum seemed satisfied with that request.  He lifted his hips up and sat down on Youngjae, grinding his hips all the way down until Youngjae was fully inside him.  “Like this?”

“Holy _shit_.”  Jaebum had been right when he said life is much better when you try to experience as many different things as you can.  Missing out on this glorious sight would’ve been a sin. 

The lightning flashed signalling the booming thunder following milliseconds behind it.  Youngjae’s head was pressing into the car door trying to move his lower body with along with Jaebum’s rhythm to get the best sensation.  He couldn’t help the whimpers and moans that were endlessly spilling out of his mouth as he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep it together for long.  “Jaebum…”

Jaebum only answered with a groan, his hand coming up to stroke himself quickly and catch up with Youngjae. 

“I’m gonna cum, I’m- “Youngjae lost it, sharp trails of fire streaming right through his body as he was pushed over the edge, arching his back so much he banged his head against the car door and yelped.  “Ah… ow.”  Youngjae’s breaths were still uneven as he held his head in his hands.

Youngjae barely registered the warmth dripping down on him as Jaebum stroked himself to completion, spilling all over Youngjae’s stomach.  Jaebum was still panting as he spoke.  “Are you okay?”

“I’ll be alright.”  Youngjae said, it was going to leave a bump but he didn’t care.  The pleasure masked the pain completely in the moment. 

Jaebum leaned down looking for the crumpled abandoned tissue box somewhere under the seat to wipe Youngjae clean.  Once he did, he collapsed on top of Youngjae squishing him into the seat, pulling out and burying his face into Youngjae’s shoulder.  “You can check car sex off your bucket list now, didn’t think you’d be into exhibitionism.”

“Nobody can see us through the windows, it’s raining too hard.”  The sound of the rain tugged him back into reality, calming him down. 

“When is it going to stop raining?  It’s so depressing.”  Jaebum yawned, he always got drowsy after sex and the sound of rain wasn’t helping him stay awake. 

“Rain is important, the sun can’t be out all the time.  I think it’s calming.”  The lightning struck and the thunder boomed once again.

“Rain is calming, but thunderstorms aren’t.”  Jaebum retorted.  “I miss the sunshine.”

“You can’t have one without the other.  Think of it this way, no matter what the sunshine will always come back after the rain.”

“Couldn’t you think of it the other way as well?  The sunshine will always be interrupted by rain.” 

Youngjae pouted at Jaebum’s reasoning but Jaebum kissed his frown away in defiance. “You don’t have to be so negative.”

“Me?  You’re usually the negative one here.  I was relaying the facts of life.” 

Youngjae sighed, Jaebum was right.  “From now on I won’t focus on the rain, I’ll concentrate on the sunshine that comes after.”

“That’s good, but I don’t even need for it to stop raining to experience the sunshine,” Jaebum tilted Youngjae’s face so he was looking him in the eyes. “You’re here with me all the time anyways so it’s like the sun is always shining.” 

Youngjae snorted.  “That was really cheesy.”

“I tried my best.” They both laughed and Jaebum stifled another yawn.  “You think there’s enough room for us to both sleep back here?  I don’t think the rain is going to stop for the rest of the night.”

“Oh, you’re that sleepy already?  That’s unfortunate, I thought we could go for round two.” Jaebum’s eyes shot open faster than the lightning could strike again.

“I’m awake, wide awake.  Not sleepy at all.” 

Youngjae laughed as he pushed Jaebum off him and went to grab the lube.

* * *

 

Jaebum’s phone was buzzing, text messages flying in but he didn’t bother to read them.  He shouldn’t have to deal with the real world when he was on vacation.

He was driving at night because he couldn’t sleep, leaving Youngjae to sleep in the backseat.  It wasn’t a problem, it would be easier to wake the dead than to wake a deeply sleeping Youngjae.

He pulled into a fast food place drive through to grab them some breakfast before they checked into another hotel.  While he was waiting, he decided to at least flip through the messages.

Spam messages, a text from his mom, an update on his cats from his friend, nothing particularly exciting.

There was a message from an unsaved number that he decided to open.

_Is this Im Jaebum?  This is Youngjae’s sister, I know you gave me your phone number before but you didn’t take mine.  Reply to this text if this is correct!_

Jaebum had almost forgotten about that.  He saved Youngjae’s sister’s number and sent a quick message to verify it was him.  She had said she wasn’t going to text him unless it was urgent, so he could only be left curious about what she wanted.

He knew he wasn’t completely lying to Youngjae but it still felt dirty that he was keeping this from him.  His sister was the one who asked him to take him out and let him live a little.  He had been hesitant but he cared so deeply for Youngjae he couldn’t say no.  She hadn’t told him that these were going to be the last days if his life.  That was a shock.

Food in hand he started back down the road on route to the hotel.  He didn’t expect a reply from Youngjae’s sister at three in the morning.  He should sleep more as well.

He shoved the breakfast sandwich down his throat in two bites because he was so hungry.  He skipped out on coffee on the off chance he’d fall back asleep once he was in a proper bed.

“Youngjae, wake up.  We need to check into the hotel.”  He nudged him but he just groaned and rolled over.  “Youngjae…”

“Mmph… no…”

“You leave me no choice.”  Jaebum climbed into the back seat and hoisted him right over his shoulder.  He was expecting screaming but instead Youngjae simply readjusted himself and napped peacefully slung over his shoulder.  Jaebum thought Youngjae couldn’t surprise him any more than he already did daily, but he was always proven wrong.

* * *

 

Youngjae woke up the next morning with a splitting headache.  He tried to sit up in bed but his body was too weak to carry himself, falling back down onto the bed each time he tried.  This happened some days, but recently it’s been getting out of hand.  Youngjae didn’t tell Jaebum anything but if he couldn’t get out of bed to grab his medication he might have to say something.

The incessant buzzing on the table next to him started up again, the reason he had woken up in the first place.  Youngjae looked over and saw Jaebum’s phone vibrating across the table.  Jaebum was still dead asleep next to him, so Youngjae finally conjured enough strength to sit up and grab his phone.

The screen lit up, a picture of some cats splashed across his home screen and a text message scrolling across the screen.  Youngjae was about to swipe everything away until he saw the sender of the message.

_Youngjae’s Sister;_

_Jaebum, I can’t thank you enough for doing this for Youngjae.  I know this was a lot to ask but you were Youngjae’s only friend and we were at our wit’s end.  He hasn’t called us and we don’t want to ruin his mood but the doctor…_

Youngjae couldn’t read the rest of the message without unlocking his phone but Youngjae didn’t need to read the rest.  Youngjae’s heart dropped into his stomach every time he read the words on the screen.

_I can’t thank you enough._

His sister asked him to do this.

_For Youngjae._

He only did it because his sister asked.

_This was a lot to ask._

This was a lie, he was lying.  All this time, he was lying.  Acting.  Pitying the poor dying boy.

Youngjae suddenly felt sick.

His head was throbbing but he forced himself out of bed, picking up his clothes scattered around shoving them into his bag.  He put his clothes on.  He wanted to leave.  He _needed_ to leave.

“Youngjae… what are you doing?”  Jaebum’s voice sets him off.  He feels bile rising in his throat.  His sincerity felt fake and worn. 

Youngjae couldn’t answer, he met his gaze and hot tears started falling down his face.

“Youngjae?!”  Jaebum leaped out of the bed but Youngjae ran, grabbing his bag and leaving, slamming the door right in Jaebum’s face.

He was so stupid, he shouldn’t have done any of this.  He couldn’t think straight, he didn’t know what he wanted.  He didn’t want to be with Jaebum, he didn’t want to go back to the hospital, he didn’t want anything.

Youngjae got downstairs and stood outside and realized Jaebum was his only ride, and he left his wallet upstairs.  He was so so stupid.

Dejected, he crouched down on the ground, shoved his face into his arms and bawled. 

There was nothing left to believe in.  There was nothing left to look forward to.  There was nothing left in this world for somebody like him.

That realization was the worst.

* * *

 

Jaebum shot out of bed like a bullet when he saw Youngjae leave, throwing on some clothes and not even bothering to put on shoes before he ran downstairs after him.  He was so worried his heart was beating a mile a minute.  He thought he was going to lose it when he saw Youngjae crumpled in a ball on the floor crying his eyes out.

“Youngjae?  Youngjae… what’s wrong?!”  Jaebum ran over to him and crouched down, trying to put his arms around him but Youngjae shook him off.

“Don’t touch me.”  Youngjae said through sobs and Jaebum backed off.

“Are you okay?”  Jaebum was shaking.  He was confused and worried and Youngjae was crying again. _He said he wouldn’t let him cry again._

Youngjae took a shaking breath. “You,” He squeaked.  He was having a hard time speaking.  “You were lying.”

“Youngjae, what are you talking about?”

“My sister asked you to do all this for me.  She asked you to keep me happy, this whole time you were trying to make me happy for her sake.”  Youngjae buried his face deeper into his arms, sobbing again.

“Youngjae,” Jaebum took a deep breath.  “It’s true your sister asked me to take you away from the hospital, but I never lied about my feelings for you.  I wouldn’t ever lie to you about that.”

Youngjae kept crying, refusing to look at him.

“Did you really think I wasn’t being genuine this whole time?  I’ve poured my heart out to you more times in these past three weeks than I have in my entire life.  I made myself so vulnerable to love I knew couldn’t last.  I was never asked to do that- nobody would have asked me to do that.  I did it by my own volition- I thought that was obvious.”  Jaebum didn’t know what he could do, Youngjae was so hurt and it was his fault again.  It crushed him to the core seeing him like this, all he wanted to do was hold him in his arms and tell him everything would be okay. 

“I can’t- my head hurts.”  Youngjae whimpered.  “I can’t stand up.” 

“ _What_?”  This time Youngjae didn’t deter him when he offered help, getting him on his feet at least.  “Did you take your medication?”

“I didn’t, but it doesn’t matter.  It wasn’t working that well anymore.”  He was whimpering.

“What are you talking about?  It’s not… the month isn’t over yet.”  Jaebum took a shaky breath with Youngjae in his arms.  “Should I call an ambulance?”

“No,” Youngjae leaned further back into Jaebum for support.  “Please, take me home.”

* * *

 

It was a long drive and Youngjae felt even more awkward than the first day he left with Jaebum.  The silence only disrupted by the sniffles and sobs he couldn’t hold back from time to time.  He could barely move his body; the effort was too much.  His head felt like it was about to explode. 

He was so caught up in his emotions he knew he went too far.  Jaebum never meant to hurt him, even if it was a lie it was thoughtful of him to do all this for him.  He should be thankful.

Then why did his heart hurt most of all?

Jaebum had told him his feelings were genuine, Youngjae had a hard time believing him.  It wasn’t Jaebum, it was Youngjae.  It was always Youngjae.  So many times, he’d been pitied and babied he couldn’t tell what was real from what was fake. 

It was so hard to believe someone would love him. 

Youngjae was half pretending to sleep, knowing well that his soft crying gave away that he was awake.  He didn’t want to deal with this situation.

When he finally opened his eyes, he saw Jaebum driving, the radio not turned on for the first time.  He had dried tear marks running down his face.  He hadn’t seen Jaebum cry, it must’ve happened when he was pretending to sleep.

“Jaebum,” Youngjae whispered.  Jaebum looked so _hurt_ Youngjae wanted to scream.  He had caused this.  “Do you love me?”

Youngjae thought Jaebum would get flustered but he hardly moved, eyes warily wandering over to him from the road when he had the chance to look away.

“Of course, I love you.” An answer so simple and sincere it broke Youngjae into a million pieces.  “I hope you believe me.”

Youngjae knew it was the truth.  He always knew Jaebum’s feelings were sincere.  He tried and tried to convince himself this couldn’t be true, but the harsh reality was hitting far faster than he could account for.  He had always been a tender person at heart, no matter how hard he had tried to put up an indifferent façade, he always cared.

“I don’t want to die.”  Youngjae was crying again.  His reality had been sealed and he thought he was over this a long time ago, but it was building up inside him threatening to tip over the closer it came to the end of the month.  “I’m so _scared_.”

Jaebum didn’t say anything at first, and he didn’t expect a reply.  What words of comfort could he offer him at this point?  At the beginning of the month, Youngjae didn’t have any will to move forward, but Jaebum came into his life and made him realize there was something worth living for.  He almost hated him for that.

Youngjae heard Jaebum let out a choked sob before he started crying as well.  He had always considered Jaebum wiser than he was, but it felt less lonely knowing he wasn’t the only one who had no idea how to handle this situation.  “Don’t be like this,” Jaebum whispered, trying to stop himself from crying.  “We’re still together, we still have time.”

“I’m sorry.”  Youngjae was sure Jaebum was going to chastise him for apologizing again but he couldn’t say anything. 

Youngjae turned on the radio and set it to the highest volume.  He tried to lean his body towards Jaebum but sadly realized he was so weak he couldn’t move his body. 

Eventually, Youngjae’s eyes closed.  He thinks he whispered, “I love you too.” before he passed out, but he’s not quite sure.

* * *

 

It’s been three days since they got to the hospital.  Youngjae had been falling in and out of consciousness for three days.  Jaebum could only watch as doctors ran test after test.  He had no idea what they would be testing for at this point.

He heard the doctors’ saying his condition worsened more rapidly than they expected.  That was on the first day, he hasn’t been able to sleep since then.  Jaebum was wired, asking for updates on him more than his own family.

Jaebum had strong feelings for Youngjae this whole time, but they escalated so much farther than he thought they would in the past few weeks and he _let_ them.  He had lived through the best days of his life, but at what cost?

He downs his nth cup of coffee and watched Youngjae through a glass window. He was breathing now, his heartbeat steady but he knew that wouldn’t last for long as his body shook and gave out once more.  He kept telling himself to stop watching as it only hurt him more, but he couldn’t take his eyes off him.  He was waiting and waiting for something to happen, whether good or bad.

Silent prayers sounded in his mind.  His tears refused to fall.

He wouldn’t let this ruin him.

* * *

 

Youngjae couldn’t remember what had happened for the past few days.  It was all a garbled mess in his mind.

All he knew was that he’d been awake for just over an hour and the doctors had been trying to tell him so many things at once, he was only half listening.  He knew his fate anyways.

“Is he alright?  Will he be able to stay awake?”  The doctors muttered around him.

“We don’t know but this is the longest time he’s been awake for.  Let them see him now while he’s still conscious.” 

The doctors finished talking and let Youngjae know his family was coming to see him.  He didn’t want to talk to them.  He had nothing to say.

“Youngjae!”  His sister ran into the room, crying as she sat next to him.  “The doctors told us to be brief but I have too many things to say and- “Youngjae’s older brother stopped her from rambling.

“We wanted to let you know we love you and are hoping for the best.”  Youngjae’s brother looked heartbroken as well, but he was keeping it together better than his sister. 

Youngjae’s sister sighed, wiping her tears away.  “Thank you so much, I hope you will forgive me for all my wrongdoings in this life.  I know I was never the perfect sister, but I’ll always love you….”  She trailed off, her sentence cut off by sobs.

Youngjae really did love his family, despite trying to distance himself from them.  “I’m sorry it had to be like this, I love you too.”  Youngjae’s head throbbed as he felt a jab of pain through his chest caused by the rush of emotions. His monitor started beeping signalling something was wonky and the doctors told his family they had to leave.

“Wait, I need to see him.”  He recognized Jaebum’s voice immediately.

“Are you part of his family?”  The doctors were standing in front of him, blocking his path.

“No, but- “

“He’s not taking any more visitors.”  The doctor said sternly.

More doctors rushed around him but the beeping only continued as his heart rate began to rise.  “Jaebum?  Jaebum!” 

“Youngjae!”  Jaebum pushed his way around the doctor but they held him back again.

“I said you can’t see him.” 

“Let go of me!”  Jaebum wrestled his way out of the doctor’s arms only to get grabbed again. 

“Calm down!”  The doctor yelled but Jaebum had enough, his fist colliding straight with the doctor’s face.  He’d deal with the consequences later.

The rest of the doctors were shocked, paging for security but getting out of his way for the time being. 

“Youngjae!”  He ran up to his bedside and held his hand.  “You’re awake.” Jaebum’s smile made him feel so much better.

“I don’t think I’ll be able to stay awake for long…”  Youngjae knew he shouldn’t apologize, but he didn’t know what to say.

“Youngjae, it’s fine.  I love you, I really really really love you. If this is the last time you’re going to hear this then I need you to remember it.  I love you, only you.  I’ll never love anybody as much as I love you.”

“Do you regret it?”  Youngjae asked. “Loving me?”

Jaebum leaned over his bed, pressing his nose against Youngjae’s.  “I don’t regret it at all.”  He said, softly kissing Youngjae.

“Good,” Youngjae whispered.  “I don’t regret loving you either.”

“You, step away from the patient!”  It looks like security had arrived. 

“This isn’t the last time we’ll meet, I promise.”  Jaebum stood up without a fight, letting himself get dragged away. 

“In that case, goodbye- but only for now.”  Youngjae smiled and his eyes crinkled close, tears falling through the cracks but he ignored it. 

“Don’t cry, please don’t cry!”  Jaebum yelled.

“Don’t worry, I’m not crying because I’m sad!”

“Youngjae, lie down!”  The doctors fussed him back into bed.  “Increase the dosage, we’re losing him again!”

He closed his eyes, still smiling to himself.  He heard someone screaming in the background but he couldn’t quite tell who it was.  Everything was going fuzzy again. 

“I’m crying because I’m happy.”  He whispered.

He let himself fall, losing consciousness for the last time.

* * *

 

“It’s a miracle he’s alive.”  Jaebum sat at Youngjae’s bedside, the nurse talking to him.  “Coma’s are tough though, even if he does manage to wake up it’s not guaranteed he’ll be fully recovered, and that’s only if he _does_ wake up.”

“How long does it usually take for people to wake up?”  Youngjae looked so lifeless beneath him and Jaebum had a hard time looking at him.

“Oh, that depends, it could be days, weeks, in some cases even years.  It’s a tough call, but you shouldn’t put so much faith in him.  I’ve seen cases like this before, it’s only worse when we have to tell people that after all that time they’re not going to make it.”  The nurse was kind of grinding on his nerves, but he couldn’t afford to get into any more trouble with the hospital staff.

“He’ll wake up, and until then I’ll wait for him.”  Jaebum was adamant in his words.

“I don’t think-“

“Days, years, decades, it doesn’t matter.  I’ll wait for him.  He’ll come back to me.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“There’s always going to be stormy times in our lives but they never last.”

Jaebum held Youngjae’s hand, still warm to the touch.

“The sunshine always comes out after the rain.”

**Author's Note:**

> Comments & kudos appreciated! Tell me if you would like an epilogue! Hope your have/had a fantastic day. <3


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